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On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside. The pump attendant obviously knows nothing about golf, greeting him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of the identity of the golfing pro.

"Top of the mornin' to yer, sir," says the attendant.

Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.

"What are those?" asks the attendant.

"They're called tees," replies Tiger.

"Well, what on the good earth are they for?" inquires the Irishman.

"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving," says Tiger.

"Feckin Jaysus," says the Irishman, "BMW tinks of everything!"
 

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Joe and John were identical twins.

Joe owned an old dilapidated boat and kept pretty much to himself.

One day he rented out his boat to a group of out-of-staters who ended up sinking it.

He spent all day trying to salvage as much stuff as he could from the sunken vessel and was out of touch all that day and most of the evening.

Unbeknownst to him, his brother John's wife had died suddenly in his absence.

When he got back on shore he went into town to pick up a few things at the grocery.

A kind old woman there mistook him for John and said, "I'm so sorry for your loss. You must feel terrible."

Joe, thinking she was talking about his boat said, "Hell no! Fact is I'm sort of glad to be rid of her."

"She was a rotten old thing from the beginning."

"Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old dead fish."

"She was always holding water. She had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too."

"Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy."

"I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to those four guys looking for a good time."

"I warned them that she wasn't very good and that she smelled bad, but they wanted her anyway."

"The damn fools tried to get in her all at one time and she split right up the middle."

The old woman fainted.
 

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I'm a TERRIBLE story/joke teller.
Wish I was better at it...

But for some reason had a flash as I was walking down the hall at work this morning that I'd like my last name to be Seaman.

Pauline Seaman....

hee hee....

hey, ya know, it's been awhile!!! And this way I can have it with me wher ever I go!
 

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QUOTE(pauligan @ May 23 2003, 09:54 AM)I'm a TERRIBLE story/joke teller.
Wish I was better at it...

But for some reason had a flash as I was walking down the hall at work this morning that I'd like my last name to be Seaman.

Pauline Seaman....

hee hee....

hey, ya know, it's been awhile!!! And this way I can have it with me wher ever I go!
You spelled it wrong silly!!!!!!!!
 

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QUOTE(pauligan @ May 23 2003, 09:54 AM)I'm a TERRIBLE story/joke teller.
Wish I was better at it...

But for some reason had a flash as I was walking down the hall at work this morning that I'd like my last name to be Seaman.

Pauline Seaman....

hee hee....

hey, ya know, it's been awhile!!! And this way I can have it with me wher ever I go!
I don't get it.
 

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A guy is riding the bus when at a stop, the most beautiful woman he has ever seen gets on. The only problem is that she is a nun.

He decides to approach her anyway. "Sister, you are the most beautiful woman I've ever seen and I must have sex with you." he says.

"I'm sorry but I've given my body to God." she replies and then leaves.

Suddenly the bus driver turns around to the guy and says "I know a way you can get her in the sack."

The bus driver tells the guy about how the nun goes to confessional everyday at 3 in the afternoon.

The bus driver tells the guy his plan and the guy leaves happy knowing he's going to get some.

The next day at 3 the guy is in the booth dressed as a priest. When the nun approaches in the darkness he says "Sister, God has told me I must have sex with you."

She replies "Well if God has said it, we must do it. However because of my strong commitment to God I will only take it in the rear."

The guy figures this isn't a problem and proceeds to have the best sex ever.

After it is over he whips off his outfit and says, "Surprise I'm the guy on the bus."

With that the nun turns around and says, "Surprise I'm the bus driver."
 

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I'm sure you've all seen this one bf. But it's still good!!


Difference between cats and dogs

I PROMISE YOU WILL LOVE THIS>>>>>>EVEN IF YOU DO NOT OWN A CAT!!!

This example is how to give a cat it's medication.

1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cats mouth and gentle apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap,cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly withleft hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

6. Kneel on! floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cats throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from the hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

>

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouses forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbours shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last>tetanus jab. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw t-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Ring fire brigade to retrieve the f*****g cat from a tree across the road. Apologise to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie the little b*****d's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dinning table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed ! by large piece of fillet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the ER, sit quietly while doctor stitches finger and forearm and removes pill remnant from right eye. Call furniture shop on the way home to order new table.

15. Arrange for RSPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and ring local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

> > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > HOW TO GIVE A DOG A PILL

> > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > 1. Wrap it in bacon
 

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First-year students at Medical School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them, "In medicine, it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor: the first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body." For an example, the professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck it in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it. When everyone finished, the professor looked at them and told them, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention."
 

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QUOTE(pauligan @ May 23 2003, 10:14 AM)sick and wrong big daddy!!

That's why it was so funny!
 

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Two friends were in a bar drinking a beer when one pulled out a cigar but he didn't have a lighter so he asked his friend if he had one..

"I sure do," he replied and reached into his pocket and pulled out a 10 inch Bic lighter.

"Wow!" said his friend, "where did you get that monster."

"I got it from my genie."

"You have a genie?" he asked.

"Yes, he's right here in my pocket."

"Could I see him?"

He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a very small genie.

The friend says, "I'm a good friend of your master. Will you grant me one wish?"

"Yes I will," the genie said so he asks him for a million bucks and the genie hops back into his master's pocket and leaves the man standing there waiting for his million bucks.

About this time, a duck walks into the bar followed by another. Then more ducks come pouring in. Before long the entire bar has ducks everywhere.

The friend tells his buddy, "What is going on here, I asked for a million bucks not ducks!"

He answers, "I forgot to tell you the genie is hard of hearing. Do you really think I asked him for a 10 inch Bic?"
 

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QUOTE(pauligan @ May 23 2003, 09:14 AM)sick and wrong big daddy!!

Yeah I hesitated but in the end your previous post convinced me!
Hope it was not too harsh.

After a wonderful night of love making, the young guy rolled over and was looking around when he noticed a framed picture of another man on a desk in the distance.

Naturally, the guy began to worry.
"Is that your husband?" he inquired nervously
"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend then?" he asked.
"No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.
"Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy.
Calmly, she answered,
"That's me before the surgery."
 
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