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My sister is the problem....
She lives close, a couple of miles away. Her husband travels and is only home on Saturday and Sundays. She has three kids all under the age of five. No matter how much I love the kids they are wild kids and she chooses not to control them because it is just too much work and she is suffering from some mental stress since the last child was born. Basically she is depressed, wants her husband to find a job at home, but he doesn't want to.

Well, my sister has always called me to run over there and help out from going to get her a perscription because she doesn't want to lug the kids along, to take her to the clinic because she had a back spasm, come over to coax the oldest to go potty while potty training, and to come over at times to literally sit on the oldest and hold her down so my sister can force cough syrup down her throat. This is just the tip of the iceburg. I have always said yes, dropped all I have to do, and put my life on hold to run over there.

Well on Saturday morning, I called over there in a very good mood to let them know I had put grave wreaths on cemetary plots from me and them which they agreed to. My brother-in-law answered said he had my sister on the phone. He asked if I was home, I said yes. He proceeded to tell me that my sister, who was with the oldest chilf at dance class, had locked herself out of her van. He then proceeded to TELL me he would need me to come over and watch the kids if my sister could not get a hold of their neighbors to watch the kids. He then put me on hold to go talk to my sister again.

Mind you I am currently running around the house unloading all of the groceries I had broght home, doing laundry and getting ready to iron Jeff's and my clothes for the Rockette show we were leaving for in two hours and I hadn't even showered and gotten ready yet.

He comes back on the phone, says nevermind his neighbors will come watch the kids while he goes and gives her another set of keys. I say very honestly for once, "Ok, I was trying to figure out how I was going to help you out, because I don't think I could have, we are going to see the Rockettes today." Right away he got miffed said goodbye quickly and hung up.

The next day I called over there to ask them if they had room in their freezer for the $100 worth of ingredients in Christmas cookies I was making for Christmas day at their house, their request. The oldest answered, I could hear my brother-in-law in the background telling the oldest what to do with me on the phone. She then hung up, I called back and got no answer, so I called again, and he answered, I asked him the question, he shortly said "no" and I told him "Well I don't think we can have cookies on Christmas Day." This is because I had to make cookies that day, due to my schedule and I have called everyone who I know has an extra freezer without any luck. He then proceeded to dismiss me with a "fine" and hung up.

Now I am sorry but did I do something wrong?

To me the only thing I did wrong was doing so many things for them and their children that they expect it now and tell me they need something and don't ask anymore. So when I for once put myself first they get miffed? I also have NEVER asked them for ANYTHING!

Since Sunday my sister who normally calls me every day has not, and I told my Mom I don't know why they are mad at me. The only thing she said was "Robert, my brother-in-law, didn't have any car seats in his car, that is why he couldn't take the kids in his car to bring your sister a set of keys."

What the F#&%!?

I know this is long, but please give me your opinions....
 

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Oh Shandog... does this ring familiar to you???

Boss, tell you what I have a freezer that you can put whatever you need in... and...

shame on that family for being so small minded and selfish... I know they are your family and you love them, but that is plain taking somebody for granted and then behaving like a child with unprovoked stubbornness.... I'm glad you mentioned what you did to them... their reaction brought the true colors to the surface and now you can act accordingly to how you feel about it. Let your intuition guide you... it never steers you wrong.



sucks, though....
 

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QUOTE(Boss @ Dec 16 2003, 09:45 AM)I know this is long, but please give me your opinions....
 

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Thanks for the offer on the freezer.....

I was so upset after I talked to him last on Sunday and I didn't know what to do, that Jeff actually went into the freezer, reorganized and threw away some things so I could squeeze them in there.....

My brother, not my brother-in-law, returned my call a half hour later after I left him a message, bless him, and he said he had a whole empty freezer for me...
 

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I'd be happy that she hasn't called all week and hope it keeps up. Go over there house for Christmass and act like nothing is wrong.....be happy when you leave and don't look back. If your sister has a problem with this and wants to talk about it be straight up with her. Let her know you love her but you feel that she takes advantage of you and that you feel her kids lack disipline and there hard to be around sometime. Of course this will piss her off but tough love sometimes isn't easy.

My brother and I don't always see eye to eye on a lot of things. But the last thing I'm going to do is let someone take advantage of me (that's not the issue with my brother and I) even if it was my brother. I've gone months without talking to him. When the times right and certain things are in the past you'll reconnect and start building a relationship that your both happy with.

Maybe noone of this makes sense but it's just my .02
 

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Sound to me that they are just to acustomed to imposing on you because they

can`t handle their own affairs......I myself have caught myself doing this....I

have three kids and was doing the same thing before I realized what I was doing....

Instead of family it was my wifes best friend....Once I realized what I was doing I

called her and apoligized......Fortunally it was before it got to this level!! I think you

should just stay the course....If she has any sense she will realize that she has

been using you...If you bring it up then she might turn it around that you are being a

biotch that can`t help a family member out....When in reality you have done more

than you should have......
 

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snowball, you are such a smarty pance....

Anyways Boss, Pauline is right, you spoke your mind.. or told your bro-in-law "Ok, I was trying to figure out how I was going to help you out, because I don't think I could have, we are going to see the Rockettes today." and his reaction was anything but nice.... I guess his true colors did come out- as for why your sista has not contacted you, that is sad. You have gone out of your way to help your family out and it seems to me that they have taken that for granted. It is kinda amazing how one can do so much for someone and then when you stop or lay low for a while... the person on the receiving end gets miffed.... ESPECIALLY around the holidays and ESPECIALLY when you were actaully doing them a favor!
Like P said.... follow your heart on this one and take that cliff note version and smack snowbi over the head with it!
 

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QUOTE(manana-II @ Dec 16 2003, 10:06 AM).... follow your heart on this one and take that cliff note version and smack snowbi over the head with it!
And just how do you intend for her to do that? It's an image in cyberspace.


We have to go over there this Saturday afternoon too. Oh, joy. <_<
 

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QUOTE(Snowmaker @ Dec 16 2003, 10:09 AM)QUOTE(manana-II @ Dec 16 2003, 10:06 AM) .... follow your heart on this one and take that cliff note version and smack snowbi over the head with it!
And just how do you intend for her to do that? It's an image in cyberspace.


We have to go over there this Saturday afternoon too. Oh, joy.

well then she can improvise with the cookie sheet she was going to bake the cookies on
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
So true....

Tomorrow is the oldests, and my Goddaughter, birthday. I will call to wish her a happy birthday because I could not imagine not calling her on her birthday.
Maybe that is the part of the problem, I spoil her and my sister thinks I put her before myself. Which maybe I do. I always put everybody before me. I never do anything for myself.

Also, on Saturday morning I am supposed to go to the Santa Claus breakfast at Marshall Fields because it is tradition...and then there is going to be a huge birthday party for me niece.

Looking back alot of things my sister has said to me, resurface and hurt. This hasn't been the first time. I always ignored the things she said because I know she is a miserable person. Even when I got my new engagement diamond, upgrade, I showed her and she said it was "obnoxious".
 

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QUOTE(manana-II @ Dec 16 2003, 10:10 AM)well then she can improvise with the cookie sheet she was going to bake the cookies on

They have cookies on them.
 

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QUOTE(rerun @ Dec 16 2003, 10:04 AM)I'd be happy that she hasn't called all week and hope it keeps up. Go over there house for Christmass and act like nothing is wrong.....be happy when you leave and don't look back. If your sister has a problem with this and wants to talk about it be straight up with her. Let her know you love her but you feel that she takes advantage of you and that you feel her kids lack disipline and there hard to be around sometime. Of course this will piss her off but tough love sometimes isn't easy.

My brother and I don't always see eye to eye on a lot of things. But the last thing I'm going to do is let someone take advantage of me (that's not the issue with my brother and I) even if it was my brother. I've gone months without talking to him. When the times right and certain things are in the past you'll reconnect and start building a relationship that your both happy with.

Maybe noone of this makes sense but it's just my .02
Best advice on here---bar none.

Sounds like she should no obnoxiousness very well. Listen to RE.
 

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Ann Landers would always say, "NO ONE CAN TAKE ADVANTAGE OF YOU WITHOUT YOUR PERMISSION".

Set boundaries and stick to them. If she or he asks you to do something outside the boundaries, say gently that you can't. And leave it at that. Change the subject if you have to. It's really hard at first, then when it starts working for you, it gets easier.

For whatever reason (stress, anxiety, the want to give others a better experience than you had), the holidays bring out feelings of guilt and unrealistic expectations. Don't give in to them. Do what's inside your boundaries and leave it at that.

Good luck and hope you can work things out.

~Christine
 

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Or you could challenge her to a Jello Wrestling Grudge Match....For charity..


Awe...C`mon.....You know you are going to let it slide......Just like you have in the

past...And there is nothing wrong with that....To keep the peace that is....But

one day you are going to explode with pinned up fustration...That is why people try

and talk these things out.....In my eyes are the one in the right .......maybe that is all

you need is to hear that?????
 

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You haven't done anything wrong other then to be too nice and to let your family take advantage of you.
My .02 cents worth is that your sister really needs some medical help to get over her depression or her and her husband need to get counseling. Her husband should be the one taking on the responsibility of his wifes health.. Second, either your sister, her husband or their kids are not your responsibility.. Those kids need a full time father and a mother who are able to deal with the children. It seems they need to get their act together and stop depending on you to pick up all of the pieces that are left over from their family problems.
I would let your sister and brother-in-law know in a nice way that the two of them need to get their life in order because you have a life of your own and your own family to take care of.. Tell your sister that you love her and the same to your brother-in-law and if he gets cocky he's the one who will loose out in the end... Family is family until they walk all over you... Then their just a pain in the a$$ if they want to treat you in that manner... Be strong and good luck... :>)
 

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I know just how you feel. My sister in law has 8 kids and for the longest time it seemed like it was my wifes and her sisters responsabilities to get them to soccer, softball or whatever when their schedules conflicted. My final straw was when we were shopping for a new car and my wife wanted to make sure that it would be roomy enough to accomodate 4 or 5 kids!? WTF!!!

Don't worry boss, as soon as your sister realizes that she has no one else to constantly take advantage of, and that she still has no control over her kids, she'll get over her anger with you
 

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Reruns advice is good. Unfortunately this happens to a lot of people. A friend of mine (well her boyfriend) is going through a similar situation and it's been very hard. His family depends on him every time they are in a bind (need money). It's hard, but he's starting to realize that he can't always be there and he has to start thinking about himself and what he wants (which is not selfish). You're a wonderful person for what you do for your sister and brother-in-law, don't allow them to make you feel like you've never done enough.
 

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QUOTE(Boss @ Dec 16 2003, 09:45 AM)My sister is the problem....
She lives close, a couple of miles away.
You almost had the problem solved. If you had moved to GP over the summer you would have been to far to help there selfish arses out all the time. So start looking again as soon as spring hits.
 

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Discussion Starter · #19 ·
QUOTE(All Jacked Up @ Dec 16 2003, 12:13 PM)QUOTE(Boss @ Dec 16 2003, 09:45 AM) My sister is the problem....
She lives close, a couple of miles away.
You almost had the problem solved. If you had moved to GP over the summer you would have been to far to help there selfish arses out all the time. So start looking again as soon as spring hits.



That would have been a huge plus of moving, however I do not doubt she would still call me. She used to call my mom in Sterling Heights and ask her, then my mom would call me, tell me my sister needed help and ask me if I would do it instead because I was closer.........I know where my sister learned it from! <_<

By the way she called and left a message on my cell phone voice mail, acting like nothing was wrong but hinting she needed help wrapping her Christmas presents again this year. I will not call until tomorrow on my nieces birthday. I have alot to do tonight. I also will NOT be helping her wrap those presents. Let her sweat it out!
 

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I know it sounds mean, but you have to stand your ground sometimes. If you let her walk all over you, eventually it will build up and you may blow and a lot of hurt feelings come out of it.

When my husband and I were dating, his sister took major advantage of us (watching her little girl) so she could go out with her friends, new boyfriends, etc. This went on for several years, into after we got married. One night I had had enough and just blew it. Since then, I can honestly say that the relationship between our family and her family has never quite been the same.

Things tend to boil, until either the heat's turned off, or the pot finally bubbles over - if you know what I mean.

Good Luck with this! Hopefully, your family will be understanding with this and you can all work it out.
 
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